I am alive. =3


Kenkai! I'm so sorry, I think i'm gonna have to give up on the chapter.... I just can't get the time to finish the annotations... I read the whole thing though, it's excellent as usual. It's such a good story, I don't know how you do it. =3 My annotations were only the usual anyways - I think most of them were english/american spelling differences and grammar.


So... what has happened in the life of me since I last wrote in this?

You know, I can't remember.

I suppose things are looking up a little bit here. I can't say i'm utterly and completely blissfully happy, because i'm not; I miss my mummy, my bedroom, and comfort. But, things have been getting better - we had group assessments over two weeks ago now, which did go alright, yeah, everyone said some really nice things about my work. It did, however, kick me royally up the ass for the next week, which was reading week, to get as much done as I could. I really don't know what it was, I just had the urge to work myself right into the ground. Which I did, and it has paid off, immensely.

We had our single personal tutorials last week, and Mel was really happy with me. She said that I've got really really amazing drawing skills, in fact, all my tutors have said how good my drawing skills are, and although the other two tutors were a bit sketchy about so much manga, I asked Mel about this and she said that if Manga is what you do and what you love and it's drilled into you so much, then do it. Obviously, do other projects that are different so that you can show prospective clients that you have other styles, but apart from that, go for it. She said she's never had a student on that course that could so naturally just draw manga. They usually have to have a guide, or a tutorial, or something to guide them, but she's never seen anyone who could just draw it, because it's so inked into their brain. But said she was really happy that I joined this course, and that I've stayed and she really does sympathise with the moving and the newness, but she thinks i'm doing very well considering. She said that even though I say that I don't feel very confident at all, when i'm talking about my work,  I come across as very confident, and that it was good for the group to have that, because they're so used to talking about their work the way that they always do, and i've sort of shaken things up a bit, and apparently, they've started to think that they should be talking about their own work in the same way. She said they kind of think that I always put a lot of thought into everything I do, and how I say things, etc.

So yeah. ^_^ We went to see the fireworks that night with BK and Joe, and I rang Mama - Papa answered the phone first because Mama wasn't there, and he said he was really proud of me and that that was brilliant, which made me cry, then Mama rang back and said the same thing, which made me cry again- I was just so relieved. So that was a brilliant night - me and Joe went on a ride, which was awesome, and we listened to some terrible singers, which wasn't so awesome, but then me and BK spent the better part of an hour trying to keep a space for Joe and Dan because they'd gone off to pee and get monies, but they brought donuts and some kind of liquid that I think was supposed to be Hot Chocolate back, so it was okay. The fireworks were brilliant. =3

Went to Joe's debut gig the other night at the Hyde Park - actually the first time we've been in there, although I know there's an anime group that meet there every thursday, i've never tried to go and meet them. It was a lot smaller than I thought it would be, but it didn't matter - the gig was brilliant. Joe and John were excellent, naturally, and the crowd loved them. There was the best dancer in the world, Lou - who looked like a walrus, and a really lovely group of older people, who Lou belonged to, that talked to us after the gig and invited us out with them. Joe's group of friends was lovely - I even got on well with Carey, who, to be perfectly honest, I thought I wouldn't get on with at all.

So... I think that's it really. Otherwise, my life is taken up by collegework. Literally, i've never done so much drawing in my life, and THAT is saying something.In the past month, I've already filled a sketchbook and a half, and usually, it takes me the whole year to almost fill one. I'm planning on properly becoming a professional illustrator at the end of this year - I've got to look into the Princes Trust to get a grant, and take a small course from the Inland Revenue about starting small businesses. I'm gonna start by making christmas cards, I think. Or just generally greetings cards. I'll also set up a website, that sort of thing, and advertise in magazines, etc. So it is kind of looking up, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, sort of. It's just weird to think that this is it, i'm not going to be in school anymore, i've run out of school. I'm gonna be a grown. =3

This weekend has just been a huge collective sigh of relief for me. I'm home! Well... until about 5, that is. But I've had such a great time... I've been so COMFORTABLE. And i've got so much work done... I've filled a sketchbook and i'm only a month into the course... usually it would take me nearly the whole year! And it's good work too!

Sadly though, I think that's where the highlights of the course end. A lot of the time I find myself wondering 'what the hell am I doing here?', and *stops to listen to J-E-N-O-V-A* (I can't write and listen to really good songs at the same time sometimes because I have to stop and listen to the whole thing) it just wears me out. The constant on-edge, socially awkward mode that I always seem to be in. I mean, I know I was never the most social person in the world... but man. I absolutely love the work, I really do, but even that isn't enough for me to enjoy being in college. And there are people in my course, and my tutors... they're all into the same things as me, same music, same art taste, final fantasy even, but I just can't... connect. I mean, there's Vinita, and she's absolutely lovely, but she's really the only one out of the whole lot that has bothered to try to get to know me... and I still can't connect properly with her. A lot of the time, it's just because I think we're only a totally different wavelength, because English isn't her first language, but she does speak it fluently, so that shouldn't be a problem. Most of the time, I just don't think people are really interested in what I have to say, and that's because of their reactions (or lack thereof).

And of course, what I was afraid of even before starting the course has happened... I'm afraid i'm not keeping up. This may seem really bigheaded, but i've never been on a course before, or I've never been in a situation where I felt that my talent had major competition. That sounds horrible... because I've always known that i've never ever been the very best at drawing, that's just silly, but... I don't know. There's one girl (and funnily enough, she's the most antisocial of all, which niggles me even more, and she's the one who has the most in common with me...), and she's actually amazing. That annoys me. I am jealous, I'll admit. But the thing is... I don't not like her because she's so good, and i'm jealous of her, i'm angry at her because she is such a... don't want to say bitch... but she is just so miserable and antisocial. I think we could be good friends if she wasn't like that and yes, i'd still be jealous of her and feel majorly threatened, but it would be fine, I think.

Sorry it's been so long. And i'm sorry, Kenkai, I still haven't done your beta. I feel so bad. X(

I'm... uncomfortable. I want to go home, but I kind of feel that everyone at home has forgotten us (not our families, obviously...). It's... not so friendly here...

Again, it's been a while, and this one is mostly to say a huge sorry to Kenkai-Chan for not finishing her Beta yet! I'm so sorry! I've actually gotten halfway through it and I can't find the time to start it again. But I definitely will this week.

College is not too bad... although i'm actually finding myself really thankful for all the time I have off. I do Mondays for an hour, all day Tuesday and from 10 till half 4 on a Thursday, which leaves me a nice long weekend where I don't have to be awkward and sociable. It's not as bad as it sounds there... I mean, I have a laugh with them all (except one miserable girl who annoys me because she is so immensely miserable), but... well... see... I see Uni as not only somewhere to learn, but also to find friends who you can go out with and stuff... and I don't see myself doing that with any of them, to be honest. One of them, Issac, is really nice, into everything i'm into, comics, etc., but his girlfriend seems to really hate me for some reason... and the others just aren't clicking with me at all. So, I've applied for a couple of jobs in the hopes that I'll find some nicer people at work.

Mama and Papa came up yesterday, and I was... inexplicably happy to see them. Like, stupidly happy. Mainly because I still have that feeling that if there's something I don't like, or i'm fed up, I can just go home to my nice room, and Mama will sympathise, etc. But I can't really do that anymore. When they left yesterday I couldn't help but cry my eyes out. It seems like now I don't have them around every day, I'm realising how much my Mama really was my best friend.

So... overall, I guess i'm doing okay. There's nothing earth-shatteringly wrong... I just... don't feel comfortable. I don't feel ecstatically happy. I just.... want to go home and have a big hug, I guess.

I got this from Kenkai-Chan. =3

Reply to this post by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you.


Kenkai gave me:

Manga
Art
Final Fantasy
University
CloTi


Okay so....


Manga - A very big part of who I am. Much of what I do relates to Manga in some way, even if I try not to let it, so I think it's got to the point now where i'm going to have to consider myself as a Manga artist. I love my Manga collection, it's one of my treasured possesions, and it's killing me that I can't get onto Mangafox to read it daily like I could at home.

Art - I think, really, Art = Me. I've always been arty, i'll always be arty. It's another very big part of who I am, and everyday is spent trying to get better, better, better. It feels strange to me to go a length of time without doing something remotely artistic. Also, it's something i've really worked hard on; something i've gotten better at with 20 or so years of constant practice. So for someone (there are a couple who do this and it infuriates me) to come along and suddenly decide that they want an art career and expect huge things from just a couple of months to a year of drawing makes me so very angry. And I feel that i'm justified in that.

Final Fantasy - It seems like you've picked all the right words here, Kenkai. =P Started playing Final Fantasy with VII in 1998, when I was 9-10. I'm now 21, and i'm still obsessed. I'd say that FF was my escape in a way, I try to play it as much as I can, and it's annoying me that at the moment, all I seem to be doing when I get home is coursework and thesis and cooking (as much as I love cooking. =3). So I think, this weekend shall be a downright FF-fest. =D

University - The seemingly be-all-and-end-all. Consumes all of your life. Whether it be Student Loans, Results, or the actual Coursework itself. Sometimes it can be fun, yes, but a lot of the time It's stress, stress, stress.

CloTi - My main FF pairing, lol. They're just too cute together. What more can I say without sounding like a squeeing fangirl?

Just checking in to let you all know i'm still alive. =D

It's all going okay, i guess... I started college on Monday, and I was really nervous about it. Like... feeling like I was going to throw up kind of nervous. The first day was alright - I met two nice girls called Charlie and Holly. It didn't last too long, and before I knew it it was over and I could let out the huge nervous, socially awkward breath I was holding. I had a little bit of an issue with sitting in the graphic design class and no one really talking to us, but, like Dan said, you can't get to know someone in a day.

Second day was... not as fun. got into class, and thought i'd be a bit cheerful and try to come across as a friendly person, so when I came into the room I said a really cheerful 'Hello!'. The reply was one person going 'Hi.' really sharply and bitchily, then turning their back on me. Not one person talked to me. Fine, I thought. Give them a chance, they don't know you yet, and they're already in their little groups.

Third Day - Sat in the other room with the first years feeling rather foolish - not wanting to come across as high and mighty, but it is rather degrading when you've already done three more years of education and you're 21 and they're like... 19. And all it was about was Health and Safety, student Union, etc. So after Holly did a runner, I felt obliged to do the same. So I went and sorted my student loan out, which I can now happily report is completely sorted and I should have my money by the end of the week. Then I stormed home.

Thursday, horrible day again; much the same as the other days except there was absolutely no one to sit with me. Holly wasn't there (and I suspect she won't be an awful lot), so I was completely alone. Thankfully, I let Brian know that my brother was bringing my portfolio up that day so that the Illustration teacher could see it, and he said he could fit me in that afternoon. The interview went really well - she said that my portfolio was very obviously an illustrators portfolio, and that she would be happy to let me on her course; she just didn't want to say 'Hellz yeah, come on my course' because she wanted it to come from me. So, without a doubt, I will be starting Illustration on tuesday. =3

Other than that... not too much to report. Got a nice new 32" TV - Samsung. Makes a little jingle when you turn it on. Nice.

Oh, and I shall have your beta ready either tomorrow or tuesday, Kenkai-Chan. =D

Okay, so, I'm home for the night. =D It's strange being fussed over like a guest in your own home... Mama hasn't let me go since she came home yesterday, lol, apart from when she had to give Student Finance hell.

Student Finance are real buggers. It turns out, they've lied to us YET AGAIN. We were told last week that I could expect some kind of correspondence from them on wednesday, just to say that everything was alright with my application, to put Mama's mind at ease with her being Guarantor for the flat, and so I would have at least something to take in with me when I enrol because PCA are asking for something to complete my enrolment.

Nothing came.

So I rang them yesterday, when I got home and the answer was: Nothing was even sent out. When I asked why this was, they said there was a problem with my application, apparently one of the forms wasn't filled out by the right person. So I asked them why the hell, after four or five previous phonecalls in which we told them we were WORRIED about the state of my application, and after being told by three different people that my application was FINE, was this not flagged up sooner, and why wasn't I notified? Were they just going to go along and not tell me until my payment schedule never turned up? All the guy could do was apologise and do that thing where they keep saying 'I completely understand, I was a student myself'. So what? How is knowing that going to help me?

So after I gave the guy a grilling, Mama rang them again after she came home and asked to speak to a Manager. So the guy asked her what her complaint was, and Mama said that we'd been given wrong information every time we rang, and he said that it's now an official complaint, and that he's going to listen in on all the phonecalls. If it's found that we've been misled, my application will be pushed forwards and sorted out straight away and I could get compensation. I don't know what kind of compensation that would be... maybe I wouldn't have to pay back some of it? I don't know. But hopefully, they'll listen to the tape and amid all the shouting they'll see that we were telling the truth, and they won't try to wiggle out of it. They say i'm supposed to recieve an email telling me of the outcome, but every time they've claimed to have sent me an email, nothing's come.

In other news...

We've been doing pretty well for our first week on our own. =3 I've been cooking all sorts of meals - the first day we had chinese, because there's one just downstairs and we were cream crackered. Second night, I made Spaghetti, next night was Roast Chicken dinner, then Egg Fried Rice and Sweet and Sour Chicken, then Corned Beef Hash. ^_^

We're kind of sore though from having to sleep on the floor on top of the Lilos of Doom; the night before mine went completely down and I was just lying on the floor all night. But our bed is coming tomorrow, so no more Lilo beds. Just the Lilofa - a sofa made of Lilos, Pillows and Blankets. But it won't be so bad because we'll at least have somewhere to sit. We made an invisible bookshelf in one of the little alcoves, so all our books are making the place look a bit homelier.

All in all, it's a lot easier than I thought it would be. I'm even getting used to the walking - we've walked into the city about three times now, which is at least quarter of an hour away, and I wasn't out of breath or anything. Camborne seemed like a breeze. =D

So now we've just got to get the internet sorted, though that might be a little while because we might have to pay to get the line reconnected from BT. That might have to wait until at least one of us gets our loan. We've sorted the insurance though.

Okay, so that's it for a month or so now. Bye bye. =D

So... I won't be on here for a little while, until we get broadband sorted in the flat. We're moving in on saturday, my loan permitting. I've been on the phone to Student Finance for the better part of a week trying to sort this out; It occured to me the other day that we're movng into a flat, and there's been no word at all on my application for a loan since I sent off the proof of identity, etc., and that was on the 4th of August. So I spent all this week ringing them and apparently, they're too busy to answer the phone. So we called the company who the loan actually comes from, and asked them about it, and they said that the reason they're too busy to answer the phones is because they're actually 6 weeks behind with all the paperwork. So that means that most students won't even get their loans on time. At least I know they've actually recieved my birth certificate though.

The lady said to ring back today, because there might be something I can do to bump it up or anything, so that's what I did this morning, and 'Helen' told me that she didn't know where i'd heard that, but that wasn't true. So I turned into an irate customer and demanded to know what the hell I was supposed to live on. In the end, I gave up with it.

But Mama wasn't happy with that, so she rang when she got home, and spoke to a different lady, who said that yes, they are very behind and the reason we hadn't gotten any paperwork from them was because they hadn't sorted out the birth certificates or anything, them being very behind and all. So I asked her if maybe she could at least tell me how much i'm going to be getting, and she said no, she couldn't, but if I didn't recieve anything in the next week, I should ring her. Mama then asked her about whether or not she should sign any guarantor agreements or tenancy agreements until she's certain that i'll be able to pay the rent, and the lady said that she would mark my application as urgent, and that might push it along a bit if she gives it a 'crisis' status. So we're waiting to hear from her now.

*sigh*

Hopefully everything is sorted now. I just want it all to go away, and everything to be smooth and simple moving in. This is the first time i've ever really moved, so I really wanted it to just go well and be something that I could enjoy, but actually, i'm hating it a little bit.

Okay, so... I guess I'll be back in a couple of weeks. Hopefully it won't take long. Bye. =3

Packing is a nightmare. I'm no where near finished.

And I have a sore throat.

And apparently, 'Will I have to pay anything?' does not compute with my domain registration company.

And Student Finance apparently has been too busy to answer the phones from monday till today.

I've run out of parcel tape.




... I'm not having a good day.

I had the weirdest... I suppose you could only call it an 'experience'... last night. I call it that, because it wasn't quite a dream, I wasn't fully asleep, but I wasn't fully awake either. I suppose it was a half-dream, I guess, because if it wasn't, i'd be very worried if this was happening while I was awake.

I was just lying in bed, and thinking of... I don't know, something unimportant, and suddenly, my head went really echo-y. There were loads of people just shouting in my head, and they were all voices I couldn't recognise - hundreds of them, and their voices were all echoing. And a couple of them sort of became more apparent to me - there was one lady whose voice I couldn't recognise at all, shouting 'Victoria! Victoria!' and another man, an older man, saying 'Its in the cupboard under the stairs!'. There was quite a few that made themselves clearer, but I can't remember them all.

I don't really know what to make of it. It must have been a dream, because, although I'd like to believe in things like that, I don't think I do. The idea of people talking to you like that is nice, in a way, and whimsy, but I don't think it happens... at least, it wouldn't ever happen to me.

I hope i'm not going mad. o_0

I made a manga strip =P



The whole thing is here: http://radiophonia.deviantart.com/art/Raitto-and-Dakku-01-134483618

Hm... I really feel like going out and doing something tonight. But there's no one available. ._.

Last day at work today... was uncomfortable. I have learned over the past month that not only am I prickly, cold and awkward around the people I don't like, i'm prickly and awkward around people I do, too. I've been trying to think of something to justify my general dislike of being around people lately, and no, there's no reason I can think of. Usually, i'm just prickly towards people I don't like. Apparently, it's very obvious when I don't like someone. But a couple of times over the last month, people have tried being nice to me and giving me presents and hugs, and I just felt like pushing them over. When Dawn gave me a hug a couple of weeks ago, I almost flinched at her, seriously. And I made a right mess out of Aunty Sue's phonecall the other day. Right at the very end, she unexpectedly said 'I love you' which, I suppose, is not unnatural... it's just that I don't even say that to my parents. So to reply, I said "I *hyuk!* love you toohoohoo. *giggle*"


*facepalm*


And on saturday, and friday, when I was saying goodbye to the people at work, they kept saying 'I shall miss you!' and 'I hope you'll be thinking of us!', all I could say was '...Mmmmhmmm....'.

Another thing was yesterday, when Martyn brought Rob over. The conversation came round to Martyn acting all self-righteous as per usual, and I can't remember what I said, but his response was 'Yeah, but you don't exactly get on well with anybody.'

Fuck. What gives him the right to constantly keep critisicing me about not having as many friends as him? Especially in front of someone else, and it always seems to happen when Rob is here. The thing is though... his friends aren't friends. They're people who will possibly break his kneecaps if he doesn't suck up to them. Or people who will come round and smoke his weed when they feel like it. Or people who will turn on him when they have a drunk punch-up at the pub. They're not friends. Besides, I think Martyn thinks of every aquaintance he's ever met as a friend. Most days, I really just want to turn around to him and say 'Martyn, you're not a fucking godfather of the Mafia. You don't know everyone in Camborne.'

And then I thought, why do I need to justify the amount of friends that I have? So what, i'm not a very sociable person. That just makes the friends that I do have more precious, and better friends. I AM prickly, yes, and I am guarded most of the time, yes, but that's because I don't want friends like his.

God... everything he's doing lately is pissing me off. He does nothing all day, he doesn't work, he just sits and uses Dad's computer and download limit to download episddes of Smallville, which he then uses My Xbox to watch, then uses Mums computer to play his game, and then gets all up in my face when I ask him to do something, or when I get angry that I have to come home from work and do the hoovering that should have been done before everyone got home from work. And it pisses me off even more that Mama and Papa are just letting him do it.

And then he starts with this whole 'I know everything, I've done everything, I've seen everything' act. That just really needles me. I can't stand it when anyone does that, and if he weren't my brother, I probably wouldn't associate with him at all for that reason alone.  You cannot have a conversation with him without him 'knowing' more than you. You can't talk about someone without him 'knowing' who they are. I just want to turn and tell him to stop acting like a Twat and deflate his head, but for the sake of argument, I have to keep my mouth shut in this house.

I'm just very glad i'm going to be out of this in a couple of weeks.

I love this.

'nother drawun. =D



This time it's Ritsuka and Seimei from Loveless. Ritsuka should definitely be with Soubi, yes, but Seimei is kind of cute when he's all protective over Ritsuka.

... There's definitely something wrong with me.

Dan's Music Page


Seriously... add him! He has a brilliant song about Goose in 4D, along with one that I sang. =3

^^ I love Tamaki. He's so pretty, and he knows it, dammit. =3

Granny gave us £200. o_0 That's... enough for a bed and a fridge. o_0

...
......

o_0 '

New journal layout... how'd you like it? It's Misaki and Usagi-san from Junjou Romantica. Cute. ^_^  I might still tweak it a little though. I'm not really happy with the gaps between entries.

Anywhos... start of a busy week at work today, which is not really all that bad... they're all morning shifts, so i'm out by 1 and i've still got the day free. Todays is still half 1 to half 5 though, which is only 4 hours, but even that's taxing, lol. It's actually worse when there's nothing to do - we end up standing around for hours doing nothing, which drains you more than if you were working hard. Then when we go to do something, it takes a lot of energy to get up and do it. 

Granny is coming round later... apparently, she's bringing her cheque book. Now... usually, i'd say I didn't want any money from her, because I don't want to ASK for money, that's just greedy, and she probably needs her money for herself. But, Mama said last night, I can't be like that later. Granny wasn't around for the first.. 10 - 12 years of my life... so I think my Mama thinks she has to make up for it by doing this, which is something that Grannies are supposed to do anyway. Mama said she's never asked her for anything in her life, but because we need stuff for the flat, etc, she wants to let Granny do this for us. It feels a little strange though... I know Mama isn't doing it to get back at Granny, or anything like that, but I still don't feel right taking her money, because she hasn't been there. Ah well... maybe i'm thinking about it too much.

Danny bought me a book yesterday - The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold, one of my favourite non-manga books. ^_^ I was really pleased to see that there's a film coming out too.

I watched a really sad program actually... it was about the last World War soldier who died a couple of weeks ago. There was about 8 of them, and they were all talking about the amazing things that had happened to them (not necessarily GOOD amazing), and even though you couldn't help thinking how brave and everything they were, I was thinking what the other countries were saying about their war heroes, and then it became really obvious that this account of the wars, although very sad and brave and all that, might not actually be the complete truth. You never really know what to believe, do you?

I got my hair done - blonde with black underneath. It's pretty nice. ^_^ I tried to take a nice picture... but failed miserably;



I never take good pictures. >_<  I was trying to do it while looking in the mirror to see if it would look right... but then I forgot to look at the camera... and i'm not very photogenic anyway, so the whole thing was doomed from the start, lol.

So, we sent off all our forms and everything today; they should be there around 1 tomorrow, so hopefully they'll ring when they get them, and everything will be sorted! Yay!

This is a really good anime opening song. ^_^

We found somewhere to live!! Oh, it's so nice. Like... seriously nice. Bit of a walk from the city centre... but no more really than it is for us now. The kitchen is really nice - all clean, and new-looking, stainless steel oven and all that, and the bathroom! Oh, my. It was like something out of a showroom flat, lol. Maybe i'm exaggerating a bit because i'm excited, but seriously, it looked SO nice. There's two other rooms - a bedroom and a living room, which are of alright size, I guess, little on the small side, but the views! They were really really good. And the area is so nice as well; there's like a little row of shops along the street, and they're all nice little shops like cafe's and greengrocers and bakeries, so we can get all our veg and stuff from there. We went in one of the cafe's and the lady was really lovely - we asked for one piece of cheesecake to share, and she asked us if we were going to share it, and when we said yes, she said 'Oh, i'll just give you another one, they're really small.' Free cheesecake - instant win. =D And it's literally round the corner from Mutley Plain too, so if we wanted anything, it's not too far to walk down to at night. It's just.... yay. ^_^

So now we need a fridge, a sofa, and maybe a bed, and probably some desks, but they aren't important.  =D